The Book of Ikehjah

There happened to be a man in the land of Klutz whose name was Ikehjah. And his furniture stock got to be seven thousand chairs and three thousand cupboards and five hundred sitting room suites, along with a very large amount of smaller items; and that man came to be the greatest of all the furniture salesmen. Now it came to be the day when the people entered the furniture store to purchase pieces of furniture, and a man named Blahtan proceeded to enter right among them.

Then Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Where do you come from?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “From roving about in the store and from walking about in it.” And Ikehjah went on to say to Blahtan: “Have you set your heart upon this living room suite, that there is no one like it in the earth, a piece of furniture blameless and upright, beautiful and turning aside from stains?” At that Blahtan answered Ikehjah and said: “Is it for nothing? Have not you yourself determined a high price for this living room suite? But, for a change, make a good offer, and see whether we will not purchase the living room suite instantly.” Accordingly Ikehjah said to Blahtan: “Look! The living room suite is in your hand. Only give me all your money, after all I need to support my ten children!” So Blahtan went out away from the person of Ikehjah.

In time God sent the prophet Osamjah the Terrorite, and he was teaching in all of Afghanistan and Pakistan and as far as New York. And God was with him, and his name became great among the Islamites. And it came about that, as soon as Obamjah, the son of Barack, the man of the true God, heard that Osamjah had received his friend Abottabadjah, he at once came with his horses and his war chariots and stood at the entrance of the house of Osamjah. However, Obamjah sent a messenger to him, saying: “Going there, you must bathe seven times in the North Arabian Sea.” At this Osamjah grew indignant and turned and went away in a rage.

Meanwhile in Israel, it came to be that Slalomon, the son of David, ended his skiing career. He had been around a lot, and so he could speak three thousand proverbs. And he was wiser than any other person, than Sarah the Palinite and Gerrit and David and George the son of George. To earn money he published a book with his best proverbs and called it “The Proverbs of Slalomon.”

Then Slalomon was led by the advertisement up into a phone shop to be tempted by the salesman. After he had learned about forty phones and forty tariffs, then he felt confused. Also, the salesman came and said to him: “If you want to be a hip guy, you need an iPhone.” But in reply he said: “You can boast, not only with an iPhone, but with every phone coming forth from Samsung’s factories.” Then the salesman took him along into the backroom, and showed him all the smartphones of Samsung and their glory, and he said to him: “Any of these phones I will give you if you sign here.” Then Slalomon said to him: “Go away, salesman! For it is written in my current contract, ‘minimum term of contract: 24 months.’” Then the salesman left him, and, look! other salespeople came and began to badger him.

Slalomon continued to walk through the pedestrian area. And at a corner, look! there was a prophet, and he had a Watchtower in his hand. He opened his mouth and began to speak to the passersby, saying: “Happy are the morons, since they do not need to think. Happy are the fools, since they do not know that they are fools. Happy are the lunatics, since they will inherit the nuthouse. Happy are those who do not have a home, since they do not have to pay rent. Happy are the unhappy!”

Slalomon could not stand the words of the prophet any longer, and he raised his voice and said to the listeners: “Be on the watch for the false prophets that come to you in suits and long skirts, but inside they are misguided nitwits. By their Watchtowers you will recognize them.”